one cup too many...

rainy sunday morning, and my hands are shaking from that mistakenly imbibed third cup of coffee....

i've experienced a bit of those spiritual doldrums lately. just kind of coasting from past experiences on the mountain waiting for the next. i listen to those same songs that in the past swell me up with joy but now just sound like hollow repetitions.

"just another day without you, just another never-ending night.
just another reason i'm falling away from you."

the wedding in canada was charged with emotion, much from me, much from others. all in all a positive experience. my brother's mother-in-law is sweet, nurturing, speaks beautiful french, and makes the best blackberry jam.

When I am afraid.....

What is it that makes you afraid?

Hmm...
Perhaps the better questions is what types of things make you afraid? There were a few things I was afraid of today. I'm afraid I won't do my job well, or that I'll embarrass a customer or coworker. I was afraid on the drive home when a child ran out into the street chasing his basketball. I was afraid as I read the newspaper and saw fellow humans beings dying in car wrecks, bombings, landslides, tornadoes, and even scarier health problems.
People I know scoff at these things. In general, they scoff at life. Each day is a bigger joke than the one before. I laugh with them, of course. Maybe toss in a story or comment of my own. Then that silence that follows broods over us, a stagnant reminder that that at which we laugh, is not a joke at all.
David knew these things. He was afraid too. Read for yourself:

"Why are the nations so angry?
Why are the people making useless plans?" (Ps. 2:1)
"Lord, I have many enemies!
Many people have turned against me." (Ps. 3:1)
"Lord, listen to my words.
Understand my sadness." (Ps. 5:1)
"Lord, why are you so far away?
Why do you hide when there is trouble?" (Ps. 10:1)
"Save me, Lord, because the good people are all gone;
no true believers are left on earth." (Ps. 12:1)
"How long will you forget me, Lord? Forever?
How long will you hide from me?" (Ps. 13:1)
"My God, my God, why have you rejected me?
You seem far from saving me,
far from the words of my groaning." (Ps. 22:1)
"God, be merciful to me." (Ps. 51:1a)
"God, be merciful to me because people are chasing me;
the battle has pressed me all day long." (Ps. 56:1)

Things have not really changed in 3,000 years. The same reason David begins each of these psalms in agony is the same reason I wake up some days in utter despair. I look around me, and see no hope for the future. This same fear affects us all. Whether we dwell in it, sinking into depressions that destroy our lives, or deny it, living life to unsafe extremes, pushing away our confrontation with fear, it affects everybody.
So what do we do about it?
Lucky for us, David wasn't accustomed to writing single-verse psalms. What begins as a doldrum dirge ends as exalting praises.

"When I am afraid,
I will trust you.
I praise God for his word.
I trust God, so I am not afraid." (Ps. 56:3-4a)

So we've already established a condition: fear. Looking at this text, what course of action does David follow with his fear?

"When I am afraid, I will trust you."

So what, that's it? How am I supposed to do that?
Well, luckily, it's in the very next verse:

"I praise God for his word."

Oh, how I long to become "foolish" enough to experience the wisdom and perfection in that phrase. I praise God for his word. His word in the flesh is Christ. He who alone is worthy of our adoration. And on He alone have our iniquities, our fears, been laid.
As one praises, so one will trust.

"I trust God, so I am not afraid."

This companionship between praise and trust is inevitable, and it takes practice. No sooner do I finish praising Christ than a new circumstance surrounds me, and I again become afraid. But the more I'm able to train my mind for praise, "so I will walk with God in light among the living." (v. 13)

I will offer a sacrifice... (Ps 54:6)

Psalm 54 describes the life that is wholly devoted to God, in itself also bringing a prophecy of Christ. Though "strangers turn against me, and cruel men want to kill me," (v. 3) "the Lord will support me." (v. 4) Often we have this idea that if I devote my life to the Lord, nothing bad will ever happen in our lives. Then at the slightest hint of trouble, we "gnaw our tongues [in] pain and...curse the God of heaven," (Rev. 16:10-11). Unfortunately, this is simply not the case. Even a brief skimming of the gospels will show that the life of Jesus was full of strife and persecution. He was forced from his hometown and almost thrown over a cliff (Luke 4:28-30), He was accused of being possessed (Mark 3:22), He was beaten and spat upon (Matt. 26:67), He was mocked, being call gluttonous and a drunk (Luke 7:34), and many other horrible things. We are even told, as His followers, to expect the same treatment (Matt. 24:9).
As these terrible things continue to affect us, offering our broken spirit as a sacrifice (Ps. 51:17) is the way God is allowed to "save [us] from all...troubles," (v. 7). In this way, because we are in Christ, judgment will pass over us and we will "see [our] enemies defeated." (v. 7)

i've been painted...

i had the privilege of walking home from work last night. i got off at 6:45, and it didn't take long for me to notice the beauty of the evening. on the western horizon was a bright orange band as the sun drifted off to sleep, and on the eastern horizon was a deep stripe of indigo signaling the fast approaching night. the rest of the sky fell in line somewhere between these two personalities, and i, in the middle, felt as though i had stumbled my way onto an artist's canvas, simply the stranger on the side of the road caught between the past and future of the artist's memory and the onlooker's imagination.

who's got the sheets?

this exchange was forced upon me, so i now force it upon you...

-------

store manager: "who's got the sheets?"
assistant manager: "i did this morning, but i feel better now..."

spiritual perseverance

my bible study today was on "the discipline of spiritual perseverance". in it, the author defines perseverance as "...a call...to work deliberately, knowing with certainty that God will never be defeated." i remember as a kid dreaming of having an occupation such as baseball player, master composer, or some other such fan-based profession. in my dreams, i always focused on the future, this awesome destination that i had magically arrived at, with no concept of discipline or perseverance. (this isn't to say that these professions are not dream-worthy or honorable, but that as a child i did not have the mental aptitude to consider what discipline was necessary for such positions.)
in my life current, i'm finding that the hardest, yet most fulfilling application of my time is to seek after God's spirit. in this mindset, i'm able to see the Purpose in my otherwise ordinary existance. i find also that the seeming ordinary existances of my contemporaries (friends, family, coworkers) actually play an integral part of my sanctification, that is, being set apart as holy for God's will. living with two hard-working, rest-needing females provides innumerable opportunities to love others above myself (the frequency with which i take advantage of these opportunities varies, however).
i guess the point i'm thinking of is one we've all heard before, but when one suffer's through one's own experiences to reach it, the point becomes personal.
i don't have to be famous, influential, or a big moneymaker to be holy and useful to the Lord. perhaps a twenty-year-old, blue-collar college student with long hair is exactly what i need to be right now. tomorrow my world may turn upside-down, but God will never be defeated.

bank statement is in...

it is refreshing to know that i serve the Lord of all creation...

...this includes my checking account